The Gottmans (famous relationship researchers) say that something like 94% of conversations end however they begin.
So when I’m talking to clients and teams, I’m often surprised at how few of them even consider doing prep work before big conversations.
I’d like to offer you a few resources to make your big conversations more effective. If you’re giving someone feedback – formally or informally – it helps tremendously to lean on your NVC skills, namely:
1. Translate your judgments into clean observations. The move from, “you’re not contributing in meetings enough” to “I noticed in the last two meetings we didn’t hear your opinion about X project” can be magic.
2. Shift your system out of reactivity – do some self-management (aka self-empathy). What are you needing in this relationship? Why does this conversation matter? If you’re upset – something important is happening for you. See if you can plug into that. Here’s how it might go in your head. “I care about their career. But it’s about having a robust discussion in support of our big project. I’m frustrated. Really wanting engagement and collaboration.”
3. Make sure you have at least one clear, doable request in mind, otherwise, whatever you say will be much more likely to land like criticism. “I’m going to make a point to make space for you to speak up at tomorrow’s meeting. Mind preparing your sense of where we are, and what you think needs the group’s focus next, so when I look to you, you’re ready to go?”
Giving effective feedback is one of the biggest challenges many of you report in applying NVC at work – so after you watch the content I cover in the video, feel free to download this resource as well.
