My work with teams of managers, executives, and business owners definitely involves personal healing and what some call “inner game” work. But it inevitably extends to parsing out how people communicate at work: whether they can deliver honest & kind feedback or not, what they hear when receiving feedback, where limited collaboration skills hold them back, etc. It’s kind of like marriage counseling.
Jackson, for example, is a small business owner who partnered with a friend of his to launch a software start-up. The business plan revolved around a specific product, but Jackson’s business partner, Doug, kept trying to pitch new ideas for development. This frustrated Jackson to no end and prompted a phone meeting with me.
“I’ve had to reign him in since before we opened our doors! It’s like he’s a little kid and I’m sick of his playing! We’ve got a plan. We need to get in the black, just keep our focus here for a few years. We can dream about expanding later. We’re barely getting by, now.”
I worried that the trust between Jackson and Doug was deteriorating. Jackson, who didn’t want to cause waves, was nervous about verbalizing the tension he felt towards Doug about a number of small things. He kept telling himself to be nice, but his frustrations still leaked out, and my sense was it was all too noticeable to Doug.
For his part, Doug felt like Jackson was often too black and white, too linear about things. Doug enjoyed the creativity of dreaming big, of letting fresh ideas flow. He kind of hoped Jackson would play along a little. He didn’t care so much about which fantasies were followed-up on and which ones were tabled for later. He just wanted to enjoy what, to him, was the entrepreneurial spirit.
So the core of things was, in part, about personality – about two business owners with different strengths to offer their organization. The challenge was that the hard-working, linear thinker began to miss the gifts and the vibrancy that his partner offered at his best. And vice-versa. His own gifts were being overlooked, too.
Still, Jackson clearly needed to vent. He’d built up quite a charge around several issues, valid ones. But I sensed if he tried to offer his feedback from this charged place, the conversation would be counter-productive. So I asked him to talk freely, and I listened. Once Jackson felt like I understood his point of view, his defensiveness softened, and we began prepping him to initiate a conversation with Doug. The goal was twofold. First, to speak his mind effectively, both frankly and compassionately. Second, to come out of the conversation feeling more connected to Doug, even if just a little.
I was there to support the conversation, and though Jackson had two key things he wanted to say to Doug, something predictable happened right out of the gate: Doug got triggered. Luckily we’d prepared for it, and with just a little help from me, Jackson was able to switch gears into listening-mode, which I think saved the conversation.
Jackson had begun by saying he wanted to touch base about some of their differences that were affecting the collaboration.
“I think we both care a lot about this business. I know you’re in it as much as me. I just want to talk a bit so we can try using our strengths better. Sometimes, it seems like we work at cross purposes unnecessarily,” he said. Jackson spoke carefully and clearly, as he named the intention behind talking.
“This is about the DELI suggestion I made the other day, isn’t it!?” asserted Doug, at a much quicker cadence.
“Uh, no. Not just that. This is really more big picture. I just wanted to name a few things,” replied Jackson, sounding a little flustered.
“Well, you never like my ideas. You brought me into this because of my background in sales, but now you don’t ever want to hear my opinions about things!”
“This isn’t about that…” began Jackson, his volume increasing, when I spoke up and suggested we take a pause.
“Listen,” I said, “It sounds like there are a number of things up for both of you, so I’m really glad that we’re here beginning to talk. Now, Jackson, I know you started this with an idea of a few things you wanted to say. But Doug may not have room to hear much more right now.”
I stopped a moment, smiling as I saw them each take a deep breath, since that’s something we’d talked about before in our work.
Looking at Jackson, I asked, “You up for listening a bit? See what’s on Doug’s mind?”
“Yeah,” replied Jackson. “Sorry, Doug, keep going.”
“I’m getting fed up. I came into this as an equal, and now you just want to take everything over all the time. I never get any say, anymore. You just keep announcing what you want to do about things!” exclaimed Doug.
“Okay, it’s about being in on decisions?” asked Jackson, continuing to breathe deeply.
“Yeah, that’d be nice!”
“Sounds like you’re wanting to have more say, like more input or collaboration?”
“Yes, I want more input. Of course! I want to be taken seriously!” Doug said, rolling his eyes.
Something snapped, and Jackson snickered. “You want to be taken seriously, well then maybe you need to make sure you make it to all the meetings!”
Uh, oh. I clenched my teeth at this, but decided to see if they could work it out.
“Make the meetings?! You know why I didn’t come to that meeting! And I only missed one other, or two. Man, that really pisses me off that you’re bringing that up, again.”
“Alright, yeah, I get it. Listen, I’m upset, but I’m going to do my best, here. Sorry. I’m hearing how annoying it is for you that I said that.” Jackson sighed, then looked up.
Doug sighed in return and said, “Damn right. I can’t believe you haven’t let that go, already. I explained that so many times.”
“So you’re irritated, and surprised a little, to hear that come back up.” Jackson seemed to be working hard. He rephrased it as a question, “Are you irritated I brought that back up?”
“Exactly! But more than that, I’m just not sure this is working out. You want me to be just like you, work your hours, do things your way. I don’t want to be judged by you all the time!”
Ahh. I realized we were now hearing Doug bring up essentially the same topic as Jackson had meant to dive into the first place. We were circling around a core issue for their partnership and I hoped we wouldn’t get derailed by any of the smaller issues, which to me, were more like symptoms of a bigger dynamic.
“I get that,” Jackson said. “I think I get that, anyway. I’m hearing that you don’t want to feel judged. That you want to know I appreciate your way of doing things. That I appreciate you.”
“Yes!” replied Doug. “I took a bigger risk to do this with you. Well, in some ways a bigger risk than you, in some ways smaller. But either way, I don’t want to stay in it if you don’t listen to me.”
“So… it’s about me really getting what you contribute, and wanting what you contribute.”
“Right.” Doug’s body posture softened noticeably.
“Well, I just want to say I do! I do appreciate you!” Jackson looked at me, as if waiting for permission to go on. I gave him a shrug and he continued. “I definitely don’t handle it well all the time when small things annoy me. And I haven’t been great about talking through every decision, I admit that. But I want you to stay in it.”
Doug nodded.
Jackson, as if to fill the space, repeated, “I really do.”
The conversation continued for a bit, as the two spontaneously began to name the various strengths they saw in the other. And, weaving together some of the individual work I’d done with them, I briefly touched on some of the challenges – personality-wise – that they were likely to continue encountering, moving forward, just as a reality check. We set up a schedule for a few more conversations that we were all clear needed to occur, but we did so in a way that seemed collaborative. Like: Let’s see what we can do to figure this stuff out (rather than, “how am I going to tell you all that’s wrong with you?”).
I was happy to see that, even though we didn’t address the second thing Jackson had initially hoped to bring up, we made decent progress on the first. And the energy between the two, Jackson and Doug, did seem more settled and connected. I considered it a success – grateful that Jackson, in that pivotal moment, was able to listen when what he really wanted to do was speak.
-Mary Goyer, MS
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