My partner and I were hired by a hospital to help them with some staffing problems. The emergency room, in particular, was a mess at this hospital. They estimated over $350,000 worth of turnover costs because of how the nurses and the doctors weren’t getting along. They reported daily drama in this work culture, and a lot of employees had quit over the course of time. The hiring and training budgets were high, so the hospital executives wanted to find better, cheaper solutions. We gave about six hours of training to the ER staff, with some basic tools for connection and cooperation. Over the eight months following this introductory training, the hospital’s turnover costs plummeted to almost zero. So we were hired to come back and teach other classes.
One particular class was set up for the entire leadership team, including the board of directors, all senior managers, and every executive in the hospital. And attendance was required, which isn’t ideal given the role “choice” plays in what we teach.
When we arrived, there was a woman in the front row who didn’t look happy about being there. Although she sat up front, which is often a good sign that there’s curiosity and interest in the class, everything else about her body language said no, no, no. She held her arms crossed, her legs crossed, and sat with her body twisted away from us. And for the first part of the day, she never, ever looked at us.
I guessed that her behavior was emblematic of the culture, but rather than try to connect with her directly about not wanting to be there, we empathized – out loud – with what it’s like to be in a situation in which you’re tell yourself that you have to do something or else get punished. This became part of our training and weaved in well with our content on collaborating. We wanted folks to understand that whenever any of us have the idea we have to do something, we’re actually living in what we call “jackal” consciousness, a space of life-alienating communication, and it’s as if we’re under the spell of threat.
My partner and I spoke to these ideas in general, and began to move through the deceptively simple process we teach around self-empathy, where people get the opportunity to transform “obligation” energy and begin connecting to their own needs.
So, as we proceeded through the exercises, things started to shift for this woman sitting in the front row. She appeared to be following our suggestions about giving herself empathy, and as she self-empathized, it seemed like she got more connected to her motivations. Everything about her body language started to relax. And as the rest of the day wore on, not only did she shift her body language, she started engaging us with questions and challenges about our training content. It was great to see how dynamic the discussion became.
It was certainly tempting, at times, to move into education-mode, to correct some of the ideas she might’ve misunderstood. Instead, we just stayed with empathy, acknowledging her experience, and connecting with her by saying things such as, “So for you it’s a real concern that these communication tools will make things inefficient. Yeah. Got it.”
While we were happy to answer questions she had, we never tried to convince her of anything. We simply stayed with what was important to her when she brought up a hesitation, then went back into the material for the group.
At the end of the day, I was surprised to be treated with a warm and heartfelt hug, as she came up to offer a special goodbye. What a transformation! We’d made a true connection – and we had the sense that we’d offered her at least a few ideas that she would make tangible use of!
Jim Manske – www.radicalcompassion.com
