If it’s hard for you to name your feelings and needs, it’ll be a real challenge to give effective feedback, mediate conflicts, cultivate trust, and problem solve efficiently, particularly during intense conversations or arguments.
The main culprits for challenges during disagreements – whether you’re at work or home – are judgments. When judgments take over, and you lose sight of your feelings and needs, things almost always escalate unnecessarily.
Let me give you an example of how one man’s subtle judgments about his girlfriend (that he didn’t even realize were there) almost ended their relationship:
In a couples’ mediation I was facilitating, the subject of sex was front and center. As we started exploring “Jesse’s” feelings around his complaint that “Julia” wasn’t sexual enough, he kept drawing a blank. He didn’t know what he felt. I made a few guesses, he looked over the whole “Feelings” list, but said nothing resonated. He wasn’t scared, or mad, or frustrated…
I had an ah-ha and grabbed a different list, one that talks about something called “Faux Feelings.” These are thoughts masked as feeling (like abandoned, rejected, and betrayed). I put that list in front of him and his eyes lit up. Take a glimpse at the list:
“Here we go!” he exclaimed. “Yep! Criticized. Unappreciated. Rejected. This is what I’ve been feeling!”
Faux feelings are considered judgments because they imply that someone else has done something wrong in a factual, inarguable way. But Jesse and Julia had very different interpretations of the events at play. His thoughts were still valid and important to the process. We just needed to dig a little deeper to get to his true feelings and needs.
As we worked to translate his judgments into feelings and needs (see the worksheet below), he had a shift.
“Well, it’s true that when I say those same types of things to you” he said to Julia, “like when I’m not in the mood, I don’t consider it ‘critical’ or ‘harsh’ like I do when you say them to me.”
Julia visibly relaxed when she heard this.
Jesse nodded, then went on speaking.”It’s just that I really do feel worried about our relationship. And when we’re not having sex, everything seems all the more fragile.” (Feeling worried; Needing security & reassurance)
From there, Julia softened and could directly address the real issue – his concern about her commitment to the relationship. This was just a small slice, but do you get the gist?
Getting specific about Jesse’s actual feelings and needs — and moving away from his thoughts/judgments — was the key to deescalating this conflict.
So take a look at the full list of Faux Feelings and see what comes up for you. Perhaps it’ll help you get past some of painful judgments in a tense conversation.
Faux-Feelings – Printable Version
