How do you survive triggering work relationships? What do you do if you’re assigned to work with (or for) someone you’re annoyed by, who seems to stand for things you don’t believe in?
To get past the ‘grin and bear it’ stage, it’s going to require a mindset shift on your side.* Why you? Because you’re privileged enough to have at least a few emotional tools and internal resources available for such tasks… because your job may depend upon it… and because your nervous system will benefit a great deal by steering clear of a full-on stress response day in and day out.
*If you’re in a position you feel is unsafe, or you’re concerned about harassment, seek support in your organization or with a mental health professional.
Here are six suggestions to help you manage, and make some positive use of, your triggers:
Number 1
Do: Remind yourself regularly of the most immanent, important task at hand, your primary focus for now. Your job is to finish the contract by next Friday? Repeat like a mantra, “We just need to get this out to Lucy next Friday. What’s important here is we get this out to Lucy on Friday. Yes, I’m annoyed by Roy’s constant need for reassurance, but whatever it takes. Friday.” In other words, stay in touch with the bigger “why.”
Don’t: Luxuriate in your thoughts and judgments. That just catches you up in a mental loop that a) can keep going for hours, and b) amps up the stress in your nervous system.
Number 2
Do: Find as much common ground as you can with the person you’re triggered by. Search high and low for several values you share both at work and in the larger world. “We both really care about kids.” “Both of us have struggled to be where we are in this company.” The more you stay in contact with your collaborator’s human dignity, the less you’ll struggle with anger and annoyance.
Don’t: Let yourself focus only on the differences you see between you and another, which is what some part of your brain is biased to do. It’s a survival mechanism (this negativity, problem finding, us v. them way of thinking). But assuming that your physical body is safe, this bias won’t be super helpful. It will primarily serve to reinforce divisiveness and separateness, and eat away at collaboration.
Number 3
Do: Ask yourself, “Who else does this person remind me of?” If your boss reminds you of your overbearing father or your emotionally absent mother, it’s time to dial up your therapist. It may not seem like a blessing, that the universe is giving you another chance to work out old stuff, but if an ancient relationship dynamic is up for you in a new package, it likely means a slice of emotional freedom is well within your reach, too. People who go ahead and do the deeper personal growth work that gets triggered by professional relationships predictably report back “miracle changes” over time, as in that asshole over in accounting suddenly starts asking for your feedback about his ideas for his team.
Don’t: Get stuck thinking that the current story in your head is the gospel truth.
Number 4
Do: Ask yourself, “What part of myself does this person mirror for me?” This one can be tough to identify, but when you hit a bulls-eye, prepare for the insight to commence. You see, everyone occasionally gets personalized teachers, in the form of clients, direct reports, and in-laws who somehow help bring to light hidden traumas, stealthy personality patterns, or unacknowledged fears. And if you can recognize your teachers as such in the moment, you can start to get a lot of helpful information from them. Example? Say your supervisor has an aggressive streak that shows up intensely during stress. If you find this dynamic is really in your face, it’s possible that you run a similar program yourself. You may also demonstrate aggression when you’re in a pinch. Take a look at that direct reflection as your first point of inquiry. But your personal stress/aggression program may show up more subtly: directed only at certain people, in the context of certain power dynamics that you’re unconscious of, or directed inwardly as intense self-criticism.
Don’t: Make them wrong about how they trigger your anger, righteousness, or frustration.
Number 5
Do: Maintain healthy boundaries; hold both your needs and their needs as important. This may mean speaking up when it’d be easier to give someone else their way, or letting go of something small when it’s distracting you both from the bigger task at hand. Boundaries might also include saying “No” (in a connected way), setting up a 1×1 meeting with someone to discuss something they said you had a hard time hearing, or simply knowing when to reach for outside support (H.R., coach, therapist, empathetic friend…). Think about whether, for you, your tendency is to say things you later regret or to do you more often not speak up when it would’ve been important to. Try to explore what would be your personal growth edge regarding speaking up with honesty and compassion.
Don’t: Think you have to be quiet to be compassionate. Or that “brutal” honesty is required to take a stand for something you care about.
Number 6
Do: Remind yourself that it’s possible to dislike others at work and still show them dignity. Venting your frustrations to others from time to time may be helpful, if 1) it occurs in short, contained conversations, and 2) if you seek out calm listeners who aren’t eager to collude with your story about how bad/wrong the other party is. Keep an eye on the drama gauge and right yourself as often as is necessary to stay in touch with the humanity of everyone involved, especially the person who triggers you. Keep your heart open to them; that’s a big part of your job, interpersonally speaking.
Don’t: Gossip with folks who like to get amped up by drama. And please, stay away from the temptation to diagnose anyone! If you hear yourself saying someone is depressed, narcissistic, selfish, lazy, entitled, etc., you’ve ventured into the land of judgment. It happens. Just remember to find a way back, again and again, to holding everyone with dignity.
The Upshot
Indulging in separation/judgment/“me v. them” dynamics with anyone you struggle to get along with will exacerbate triggering interactions with them, causing added pain and challenge. Working consciously with your triggers, to maintain healthy boundaries and appropriate levels of connection, will benefit you interpersonally, emotionally, & physically.
